Admonitions for Children from The Family Instructions of Master Yan
Admonitions for Children from The Family Instructions of Master Yan: Ancient Wisdom for Today
Original Text with Detailed Explanation
The Wisest Need No Teaching; The Foolish Gain Nothing from It
上智不教而成，下愚虽教无益，中庸之人，不教不知也。古者，圣王有胎教之法：怀子三月，出居别宫，目不邪视，耳不妄听，音声滋味，以礼节之。书之玉版，藏诸金匮。生子咳提，师保固明孝仁礼义，导习之矣。凡庶纵不能尔，当及婴稚，识人颜色，知人喜怒，便加教诲，使为则为，使止则止。比及数岁，可省笞罚。父母威严而有慈，则子女畏慎而生孝矣。吾见世间，无教而有爱，每不能然；饮食运为，恣其所欲，宜诫翻奖，应诃反笑，至有识知，谓法当尔。骄慢已习，方复制之，捶挞至死而无威，忿怒日隆而增怨，逮于成长，终为败德。孔子云“少成若天性，习惯如自然”是也。俗谚曰：“教妇初来，教儿婴孩。”诚哉斯语！
Translation:
The wisest may succeed without instruction; the most foolish gain nothing even when taught. Yet the vast majority of ordinary people will understand nothing unless they receive an education. In ancient times, sage kings practiced prenatal instruction: when a consort was three months pregnant, she would move to a separate palace, refraining from improper sights and sounds, and regulating her speech and diet according to ritual propriety. These methods were inscribed on jade tablets and stored in golden chests. Once the child was born, tutors and caretakers would firmly instill the principles of filial piety, benevolence, propriety, and righteousness, guiding the child to make these habits second nature.
Even if common households cannot achieve such standards, they should at least begin teaching their children when they are still young—able to read expressions and sense joy or anger. When the child is told to do something, they should do it; when told to stop, they should stop. In this way, by the time the child is a few years old, much punishment can be avoided. If parents maintain dignity tempered with kindness, their children will be respectful, cautious, and naturally filial.
I have observed many parents in the world who show love but fail to teach. They indulge every whim in food and play, praising what should be admonished and laughing off what deserves reproach. By the time the child develops discernment, they believe such indulgence is the norm. Once arrogance and laziness become ingrained habits, even beating the child to the brink of death will not restore authority; parental fury only breeds deeper resentment. When the child reaches adulthood, their virtue will ultimately be ruined. As Confucius said, "What is learned in youth becomes second nature; what is practiced habitually becomes instinct." There is a proverb: "Teach a wife when she first arrives; teach a child while still in the cradle." How true this is!
Ordinary People Who Fail to Teach Their Children
凡人不能教子女者，亦非欲陷其罪恶；但重于诃怒伤其颜色，不忍楚挞惨其肌肤耳。当以疾病为谕，安得不用汤药针艾救之哉？又宜思勤督训者，可愿苛虐于骨肉乎？诚不得已也。
Translation:
Those who fail to discipline their children do not intend to let them fall into evil. They merely worry that scolding will hurt the child's feelings and that physical punishment will cause pain. But consider illness: how can one avoid using medicine, acupuncture, or moxibustion to cure a disease? In the same way, strict supervision is a remedy. Furthermore, think about it: would any parent who earnestly supervises and instructs their child truly wish to be harsh or cruel to their own flesh and blood? They do so only as a last resort.
The Mother of Grand Marshal Wang
王大司马母魏夫人，性甚严正。王在湓城时，为三千人将，年逾四十，少不如意，犹捶挞之，故能成其勋业。梁元帝时，有一学士，聪敏有才，为父所宠，失于教义。一言之是，遍于行路，终年誉之；一行之非，掩藏文饰，冀其自改。年登婚宦，暴慢日滋，竟以言语不择，为周逖抽肠衅鼓云。
Translation:
The mother of Grand Marshal Wang, Lady Wei, was exceedingly strict and upright. When Grand Marshal Wang was stationed at Pencheng as a commander of three thousand troops—already over forty years old—his mother would still strike him for even minor displeasures. It was precisely this rigorous discipline that enabled him to achieve great merit.
During the reign of Emperor Yuan of Liang, there was a scholar of sharp intelligence and talent. Because his father doted on him excessively, he was deprived of proper moral instruction. If the boy said one correct thing, the father would broadcast it far and wide, praising him endlessly for the entire year. Yet if the boy did something wrong, the father would cover it up and gloss over it, hoping the child would correct himself. When the boy reached adulthood, married, and entered official service, his arrogance and insolence grew day by day. Ultimately, because of his reckless speech, he offended Zhou Ti and was disemboweled, his intestines used to anoint war drums.
The Proper Distance Between Father and Son
父子之严，不可以狎；骨肉之爱，不可以简。简则慈孝不接，狎则怠慢生焉。由命士以上，父子异宫，此不狎之道也；抑搔痒痛，悬衾箧枕，此不简之教也。或问曰：“陈亢喜闻君子之远其子，何谓也？”对曰：“有是也。盖君子之不亲教其子也。《诗》有讽刺之辞，《礼》有嫌疑之诫，《书》有悖乱之事，《春秋》有邪僻之讥，《易》有备物之象：皆非父子之可通言，故不亲授耳。”
Translation:
The dignity between father and son must not be compromised by excessive familiarity, yet the love between kin must not be marred by neglect. Neglect severs the bond of parental kindness and filial devotion; familiarity breeds contempt and disrespect. In ancient times, it was prescribed that from the rank of shi (gentleman-official) upward, father and son should occupy separate quarters—this is the way to avoid undue familiarity. At the same time, attending to their itches and pains, and properly hanging their quilts and pillows—this is the teaching against neglect.
Someone asked, "Chen Kang was pleased to hear that a gentleman keeps a certain distance from his son. What does this mean?" I replied, "Indeed, there is such a practice. A gentleman does not personally teach his own son. The Book of Songs contains verses of satire; the Book of Rites has admonitions on propriety and suspicion; the Book of Documents records instances of rebellion and disorder; the Spring and Autumn Annals offers critiques of depravity; and the Book of Changes presents images of the myriad things. None of these are suitable for direct discussion between father and son. Therefore, the father does not personally impart these lessons."
Prince of Langya, Son of Emperor Wucheng of Northern Qi
齐武成帝子琅邪王，太子母弟也，生而聪慧，帝及后并笃爱之，衣服饮食，与东宫相准。帝每面称之曰：“此黠儿也，当有所成。”及太子即位，王居别宫，礼数优僭，不与诸王等。太后犹谓不足，常以为言。年十许岁，骄恣无节，器服玩好，必拟乘舆；尝朝南殿，见典御进新冰，钩盾献早李，还索不得，遂大怒，訽曰：“至尊已有，我何意无？”不知分齐，率皆如此。识者多有叔段、州吁之讥。后嫌宰相，遂矫诏斩之，又惧有救，乃勒麾下军士，防守殿门；既无反心，受劳而罢，后竟坐此幽薨。
Translation:
The Prince of Langya, son of Emperor Wucheng of Northern Qi and younger brother of the Crown Prince, was exceptionally clever from birth. The Emperor and Empress doted on him, and his clothing and meals were on par with those of the Crown Prince in the Eastern Palace. The Emperor often remarked in his presence, "This clever child is destined for great things."
When the Crown Prince ascended the throne, the Prince of Langya resided in a separate palace, enjoying privileges that exceeded his rank and far surpassed those of other princes. Yet the Empress Dowager still considered this insufficient and frequently voiced her complaints. By the age of ten or so, the Prince had grown arrogant and utterly unrestrained. His utensils, garments, and amusements all had to match the imperial standard. On one occasion, attending court at the Southern Hall, he saw the imperial steward presenting fresh ice and the keeper of the imperial gardens offering early plums. Upon returning to his own quarters and finding he had received none, he flew into a rage and bellowed, "The Emperor has them; why shouldn't I?" He was completely ignorant of the proper boundaries of his status, and all his conduct followed this pattern. Men of discernment widely criticized him, comparing him to Gongshu Duan or Zhou Yu.
Later, harboring resentment against the Prime Minister, the Prince forged an imperial edict to have him executed. Fearing that someone might attempt a rescue, he ordered his own troops to guard the palace gates. Although he had no genuine rebellious intent and eventually desisted after the commotion subsided, he was ultimately confined and died under house arrest because of this incident.
Parents Rarely Love Their Children Evenly
人之爱子，罕亦能均；自古及今，此弊多矣。贤俊者自可赏爱，顽鲁者亦当矜怜。有偏宠者，虽欲以厚之，更所以祸之。共叔之死，母实为之；赵王之戮，父实使之。刘表之倾宗覆族，袁绍之地裂兵亡，可为灵龟明鉴也。
Translation:
Parents rarely love their children impartially; from ancient times to the present, this has been a widespread failing. Naturally, the talented and outstanding merit admiration and affection, but the dull and wayward also deserve compassion and care. Those who show favoritism may intend to bestow greater love upon a particular child, but they often bring disaster upon them instead. The death of Gongshu Duan was essentially caused by his mother's partiality; the execution of the Prince of Zhao was brought about by his father's indulgence. The ruin of Liu Biao's entire clan and the collapse of Yuan Shao's domain—with his territory divided and his forces destroyed—stand as clear warnings, as telling as the oracle of a sacred tortoise.
An Official-Scholar of the Northern Qi Dynasty
齐朝有一士大夫，尝谓吾曰：“我有一儿，年已十七，颇晓书疏，教其鲜卑语及弹琵琶，稍欲通解，以此伏事公卿，无不宠爱，亦要事也。”吾时俛而不答。异哉，此人之教子也！若由此业，自致卿相，亦不愿汝曹为之。
Translation:
During the Northern Qi dynasty, an official-scholar once remarked to me, "I have a son, now seventeen, who is quite proficient in writing official correspondence. I have also arranged for him to learn the Xianbei language and how to play the pipa lute. Once he gains some facility in these, he will be able to ingratiate himself with the high ministers and nobles and win their favor. This, too, is an important matter." I merely lowered my head and did not reply. How strange was this man's approach to educating his son! Even if such skills could lead one to become a minister of state, I would never wish any of you to pursue that path.
Conclusion
Education is of paramount importance. Many parents today do not truly understand what real education entails. But since the ancients have already bequeathed us their foresight and knowledge, why not learn from them? It is much like the words spoken by Joel's father in The Last of Us: "Maybe we can't decide if we're good parents or not, but we hope our kids don't end up worse than us." Let us therefore hope that the wisdom of sound education will not drown and be lost in the currents of history.