36 Questions to Build Intimacy with a Stranger

In 1997, American psychologist Arthur Aron proposed the "36 Questions to Fall in Love," a set of questions designed in stages with the goal of promoting intimacy between individuals through gradually increasing self-disclosure.

Psychological Principles

Based on the self-disclosure theory in social psychology, Aron found that appropriate, step-by-step sharing of personal information can significantly increase intimacy. The following three-stage question design was developed based on this principle to enhance closeness between people. For detailed content, please refer to the original paper below.

• Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377.View

Three-Stage Question Design

Set I (Questions 1–12): Lighter, surface-level questions to ease in and build trust

• Question 1: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  Interpretation: Explores what the other person's ideal companion is like, or what kind of person they admire.

• Question 2: Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  Interpretation: This is akin to asking about the other person's dreams—talking about life aspirations—and opens up the heart further.

• Question 3: Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
  Interpretation: Reveals personal communication habits and offers insight into how the person navigates social interactions.

• Question 4: What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
  Interpretation: Uncovers the other person's ideal lifestyle, hobbies, and life pursuits.

• Question 5: When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  Interpretation: Journeys into memory; this is where the conversation starts becoming more personal. It reveals how the person expresses themselves privately versus publicly.

• Question 6: If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
  Interpretation: Prompts reflection on the value of physical versus intellectual vitality, indicating which life dimension the person prioritizes.

• Question 7: Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  Interpretation: The focus is not on the cause of death but on the hunch—a glimpse into their outlook on the future and their view of life and death.

• Question 8: Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  Interpretation: Identifying shared interests or topics to further close the distance between the two individuals.

• Question 9: For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  Interpretation: The key words are "in your life" and "grateful"—one signifying reminiscence, the other signifying appreciation for others.

• Question 10: If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  Interpretation: Explores reflections on and expectations of one's upbringing, revealing inner regrets and aspirations.

• Question 11: Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  Interpretation: Further opens the heart; this is where real candor begins, and defenses are lowered. The key words are life and detail.

• Question 12: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
  Interpretation: Explores ideals or what the person desires most, revealing goals, desires, or points of interest.

Set II (Questions 13–24): Moderately deep questions touching on personal feelings, dreams, and experiences; gradual disclosure begins

• Question 13: If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
  Interpretation: Deepens understanding, including outlook on the future and what matters most to the person.

• Question 14: Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
  Interpretation: With the foundation of previous life experiences laid, this opens up the conversation about dreams and the obstacles preventing them.

• Question 15: What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  Interpretation: Focuses on achievements and where the person takes most pride, revealing sources of confidence and self-esteem.

• Question 16: What do you value most in a friendship?
  Interpretation: Reveals attitudes toward relationships and what the person cares about most in interpersonal connections.

• Question 17: What is your most treasured memory?
  Interpretation: Probes the person's most cherished experiences, uncovering emotional anchors and beautiful moments in life.

• Question 18: What is your most terrible memory?
  Interpretation: At this stage, the interaction begins to enter a more ambiguous, intimate space. Sharing vulnerabilities deepens mutual trust and understanding.

• Question 19: If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  Interpretation: Explores how the person handles hypothetical crises and their attitude toward challenges and mortality.

• Question 20: What does friendship mean to you?
  Interpretation: Offers insight into how the person views interpersonal relationships and the structure of their social circle, which relates to the future intimacy between the two of you.

• Question 21: What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  Interpretation: Does the person make romance their entire life? Are they aimless or ambitious? The key is the proportion.

• Question 22: Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
  Interpretation: Essentially explores what kind of person the individual is attracted to.

• Question 23: How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
  Interpretation: Enters the realm of home and family, revealing background and views on familial bonds.

• Question 24: How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
  Interpretation: Understanding family dynamics and background generally transitions the relationship from strangers to close friends—perhaps on the verge of "more than friends."

Set III (Questions 25–36): Deep questions involving intimacy, values, fears, and regrets; encourages full emotional openness

• Question 25: Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
  Interpretation: Rapidly closes the psychological distance, framing the two individuals as a unit to build a deeper connection.

• Question 26: Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
  Interpretation: Reveals what the person longs to share with others, uncovering inner needs and emotional anchors.

• Question 27: If you were to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
  Interpretation: Begins to lay out personal boundaries and deal-breakers, setting the stage for the future of the relationship.

• Question 28: Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
  Interpretation: Subconsciously shifts the frame of thinking to that of a romantic partnership, sparking mutual curiosity and exploration.

• Question 29: Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  Interpretation: Sharing awkward stories reveals imperfection, reducing distance and enhancing trust.

• Question 30: When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  Interpretation: Shares vulnerable sides and reveals contexts and methods of emotional expression.

• Question 31: Tell your partner something that you already like about them.
  Interpretation: A direct expression of appreciation and affection that deepens the emotional bond and creates a positive atmosphere.

• Question 32: What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
  Interpretation: Clarifies the other person's boundaries and principles, akin to setting ground rules in the early stages of a romantic relationship.

• Question 33: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
  Interpretation: Sharing secrets held deep within the heart. Once this exchange is made, both parties hold a special place in each other's inner world.

• Question 34: Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
  Interpretation: Identifies what is considered important wealth beyond loved ones and life itself, revealing value judgments and emotional attachments.

• Question 35: Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
  Interpretation: Identifies which family member is most cherished and most important, and why, revealing the center of gravity in family emotional bonds.

• Question 36: Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
  Interpretation: Encourages perspective-taking—"What would you do in my shoes?" This type of communication is crucial for resolving issues in close relationships.